Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Alan Turing: Pardon?

Alan Turing, who single-handedly won the Second World War, even though he was openly gay, has been granted an official Royal Pardon by Her Maj QE2, Fagburn can reveal.
Although this is absolutely meaningless in the general scheme of things, Fagburn thinks we should all take five minutes to praise Allah and our glorious queen.
Turing is famous for not actually breaking the Enigma Code - that was some Poles - and who cares about them?
[They come over here, breaking our codes etc]
And if anyone cut short the Second World War, it wasn't Bletchley Park, it was the Soviet Red Army.
9 million died.
Turing was such a ditzy queen he left some cyanide in his kitchen, and probably may not have committed suicide.*
"Chemical castration" is a highly emotive term - which is why it is no longer used.
If The Man wants to reduce a "sex offender'"s libido, now they give you Prozac.
This is hardly the same as having your balls cut off.
And Alan died a long time after he came off his hormone treatment, anyway.
But still she's a great gay martyr, I'm sure you'll agree.
And where would we be without our heroic gay myths?
This meaningless and pointless token gesture has thus made everything bad that's ever happened to The Gays okay.
Including what happened to all the other less famous gayers that were sent to prison, but who cares about them?
50,000 other men had their lives ruined.
For our fantastic Queen has a magic wand (even though she's just a figurehead and is probably unaware this has happened).
Alan Turing was contacted via Fagburn's ouija board and said; "I was a scientist, do you really think I give a flying fuck about such trivial things?"
"Can a dead man feel better?"
As gay idiots worldwide rejoiced, the mathematical genius repeated his dictum; "We are not interested in the fact that the brain has the consistency of cold porridge."
As ever, no-one listened.

Update: Peter Tatchell has just been on Radio 4's Today saying Alan Turing was killed by the security services cause he was gay! Mere words can not begin to express how hilarious this mad man is! [Edit: I wondered if I was hallucinating, but Saint Peter does actually believe this, brilliantly arguing; "Although there is no evidence..." You couldn't make it up! Oh hang, you have...

* On the doubts over whether Alan Turing committed suicide. Polish gag courtesy of Dan. x

Daily Mail gets the story right - Gay Star News doesn't! Astounding.


  1. Fierce competition going on between Fagburn & Saint Peter concerning who can be least generous to the memory of Alan Turing. Handbags at dawn?

  2. Turing is famous for not actually breaking the Enigma Code - that was some Poles - and who cares about them?

    This is so fucking moronic. Could you not take the time to write the article so as to give Turing and the Poles (and the French) their proper due, rather than that brief idiotic bollock-point?
    You're not righting a wrong or setting the record straight here, you're just adding more simplistic and equally false bullshit to the internet record in an article it probably took you less time to write than it does to have a wank...

  3. At least it has provided a nice distraction for the gays who took it upon themselves to name every website individually that had been wrongfully pornblocked. That was getting a bit tedious.

    1. A gay news site might have written something before this happened warning it would happen...

    2. That would be the ever insightful gay star news, surely? ;)

  4. What a grand opportunity to sneer at a man whose contribution to mathematics and computer science is universally respected. It's not like "she" did anything important, such as inventing the word gayer.