Thursday, 31 July 2014

Fagburn: Proust Questionnaire

In the absence of news, Fagburn (pictured above, recently) has published his solipsistic replies to the fabled Proust Questionnaire

What is your greatest fear?


Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Our lord Jesus.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?


What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Them all being complete cunts.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Fags, booze and hookers.

What is your favorite journey?

To Mecca for Hajj.

On what occasion do you lie?


What do you dislike most about your appearance?

My massive knob.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

It's a toss-up between Bonnie Langford and Hitler.

When and where were you happiest?

Fuck knows.

Fagburn, pictured recently with his new bae.
Which talent would you most like to have?

To be able to play the pink oboe.

What is your most marked characteristic?

My infinite love for all human life.

What is your current state of mind?

Clinically bonkers.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would prefer it if they hadn't amputated both my legs.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

That they won the lottery.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?


Where would you like to live?


What is your favorite occupation?


What is the quality you most like in a man?

A penis.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

A penis.

What do you most value in your friends?

A penis.

Who are your heroes in real life?

Chomsky, Albert Camus, Cornelius Cardew, Edward Carpenter, Leonard Cohen, Peter Cook, Tom Daley, Larry David, Diogenes, Albrecht Dürer, Elvis, Brian Eno, Bobby Fischer, Yuri Gagarin, Gramsci, Hunx, TE Lawrence, Chelsea Manning, Chairman Mao, Max Miller, my mum, Nietzsche, Dorothy Parker, Grayson Perry, Bertrand Russell, Lisa Simpson, Mark E Smith, Tito, Tom, Björn Ulvæus, Warhol, Oscar Wilde, Kenneth Williams, Wittgenstein, and, most importantly, my penis.

What is your favorite name?


How would you like to die?

In a suicide bomb at the Pentagon.