Friday, 4 July 2014

Patrick Smugtwit: The Return Of Our Star Columnist

How does someone become a homosexual?
It is a question that has vexed people ever since [Subs: Couldn't find this on Wikipedia - please fill in].
More recently Lady Gaga, a popular singer, has sang; 'Born This Way'.
But were we? I say 'we' because I too am a gay homosexual.
Get used to it, Mr Bigot!
Anyway, now someone else has waddled into the room; a fighty, flighty, feisty, fizzy, fuck-you, radical feminist lesbian, who writes for the left-wing papers ie The Spectator. 
Julie Bindel, 62, journalist, self-styled campaigner and flatulent pain in the arse, has resurrected this in-no-way-tiresome controversy about the causes of homosexuality in the most contentious chapter of her new book, Straight Expectations.
Thus titled - she tells me - as only straight people can still be expected to find any of this interesting.
If you don't know Miss Bindel, you should.
She's like the lesbian me. 
Julie has thrown a literal nuclear bomb into the kitty litter of conventional thinking on this. 
Most gay people, but most importantly me, disagree with this. 
Hey, Mrs B, I tell her; 'I did not chose to be a lesbian.'
'But I did,' she shouts huskily. 'Trust me, if anyone knew you were you in the womb they would have aborted you, chuck.'
Wow, bit controversial, but that's "straight-talking" (!) Judy! 
This really is a meeting of two great minds, I think. 
Reminds me of the School Debating Society at St Cakes.
'Ms Bindel, I put it to you, if you look up the word gay in the dictionary...'

What The Independent thinks you look like
[Continues as tediously as this for far, far too long - in which Smugtwit spouts such embarrassing fifth-form gubbins, you start siding with La Bindel. Everyone skim reads til the end].

After nearly two hours of arguing, Bindel pushes me out the front door and sighs loudly.
“By heck, you’re a boring posh twat,” she says, exasperated. 

I suspect it’s a compliment.
And who else but me could end an interview with a quote about himself?


  1. Butter my nuts4 July 2014 at 17:50

    Butter my nuts, fagburn, is there anyone you actually like?

    1. Loads - stop concentrating on the negative!

  2. "Get used to it, Mr Bigot!"