Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Research: The Gays Are Happier! Everything Is Brilliant! Official!!!

A study out of merry olde England shows that heterosexual men are going through it * compared to their homosexual counterparts.
And it finally answers the question; "So you're gay. Big deal - any happier?" 
Published Monday in Pseudo-Scientific Paid-for Quarterly 6. III, this study was one of the first to examine stress levels between out gays and closeted gays while waiting at bus-stops, Fagburn can reveal.
We here at Fagburn love to reprint bogus surveys like this as if they somehow prove or show anything, when they actually prove fuck all.  
Beats working.
17 men and women from Lymeswold, with an average age of 22, were recruited for the study to determine how much gays, openly out gay guy gays and that that be not be either, experienced stress and anxiety while waiting at bus-stops.
Researcher Phillip Adams' told Fagburn; "I just went and talked to the first few people I saw at the bus-stop, basically."
The gays were like that, but a bit more so. 
"Then I asked them how happy they were - on a scale of Samuel Beckett to the Chuckle Brothers - and, then, asked them if they liked bumsex."
"Most of them said; 'Piss off!'"
"Whatever... Piece of piss," he said.  
Adam is hoping to work this into a doctorate. 
"If there's a message to come out of all this," Phillip told Fagburn, "it's that it gets better."
"Or, if not, there'll be another one along in a bit."

* Ed. Is that what they say? If not, add something like "twerkin' girl!" or whatever the gays say nowadays.

UPDATE: Soon after this was published we learned Phillip Adams had realised the utter futility of his existence and killed himself.
Our thoughts are with his family and his slutty boyfriend at this difficult time.


  1. It took them that long to work it out!?
    Clue's in the name FFS!

  2. If you're happy and you know it clap your hands... [girly clap]