Monday, 11 March 2013

Patrick Smugtwit: Imagine If She Hadn't Said That About Black People!

It began as a Sunday morning much like any other.
I was "chilling out" by playing my violin, only stopping occasionally to send tweets about myself. 
Then I thought I'd better go and check if there was anything about me in the papers.
Imagine my surprise when in the newsagents I saw the front page of the Mail On Sunday!
My heart quickened somewhat!
Well fancy that! 
Prominent gay rights campaigners like me now have a new straight ally; Her Majesty, the supreme governor of the Church of England, the head of the Commonwealth, the Queen of more than a dozen countries, no less. 
Normally I - Patrick Smugtwit, one-man scourge of homophobia - would not give the Mail my money, but I thought this was such brilliant news that I made an exception.
So imagine my dismay when I got home and read the bloody thing. 
All was not as it seems and the detail was, as it so often is, in the devil. 
Here are the actual facts:
Queen Elizabeth is signing a Commonwealth charter that says;

"We are implacably opposed to all forms of discrimination, whether rooted in gender, race, colour, creed, political belief or other grounds."

Hang on a ruddy moment, I thought to myself, this does not actually mention the gays.
The Mail On Sunday's headline was not really true!!!
Imagine if she had not mentioned black people!!!! 
This, I thought with my brilliant mind, was... HOMOPHOBIA!
Why oh why has no-one else noticed this??
I immediately took to Twitter to alert the world. 
"I, Patrick Smugtwit, will not celebrate silence!" I tweeted to my millions of fans. "I will not join those cheering this supposed historic nod in our direction!"
(Due to my legendary modesty I don't usually like to mention this, but I know some people on Twitter who are quite famous, so its true impact can only be guessed at). 
Ha! I bet the Queen is feeling pretty stupid now.
Exhausted, after single-handedly saving the world once more, I returned to my violin. 
Later, while absent-mindedly gazing into the mirror and imagining the deep gratitude of my brothers and sisters in the Commonwealth, yet another of my devastatingly original and profound thoughts struck me.
Perhaps you can't believe everything you read in the papers?  


  1. YAWWWN! Confused mess.

  2. I find these extremely funny. I can't see a picture of Smugtwit now without seeing Uncle Fester - and vice-versa. Haha.

    1. If only they were as funny as the originals...

  3. Replies
    1. Your fave gay mag has done a funnier pisstake