Thursday, 30 July 2015

David Cameron: Tinker Tailor Soviets Twink

KGB agents tried to recruit a 19-year-old David Cameron as a Cold War spy during his gap year travels in the Soviet Union.

Or so the story goes when told by the Prime Minister.

But the Kremlin has dismissed the much-told tale, telling Mr Cameron that the 'agents' were in fact dodgy salesmen.

Moscow's secret services delivered a further blow to the Old Etonian by claiming that he had simply been the target of a gay pick-up.

Mr Cameron first told the story in 2006 on the BBC Radio 4 programme Desert Island Discs.

At the time he said: "I travelled on the Trans-Siberian railway... and then met a great friend in Moscow. We went down to the Black Sea and were on the beach in Yalta.

"These two Russians who spoke perfect English sort of turned up on the beach, which was mainly reserved for foreign tourists, and took us out to dinner, and interrogated us in a very friendly way about life in England and politics."

Russian newspaper Komsomolskaya Pravda yesterday scotched the idea.

The newspaper quoted Gennady Sokolov, a Russian author and intelligence historian, who said secret service sources had told him that there had been no bid to recruit Mr Cameron.

He said: "If the KGB had a task to work with a 19-year-old unknown young man Cameron, there would have remained certain paperwork on this matter.

"We have cautiously asked well-informed people if there is a file on Cameron in KGB archives. We got a definite reply that there is no such file in the archives, and there was no such file earlier. The KGB was not working on Cameron."

He even claimed to have tracked down the two men and they were in fact black market salesmen attempting to buy banned Western goods from tourists.

He said: "The pair planned to buy some foreign stuff like jeans to resell them later and, after all, to make friends with two nice looking British guys - there was also a gay motive."




Thanks to comrade Darren x.

Sir Ian McKellen: The Face Of Young Gay Asian Britain

Channel 4 are to broadcast a documentary about British Muslim Drag Queens.

So how do Pink News present the story?

By bigging up the old white man who's narrating it!

As usual this is basically a rewrite of a press release - but with one change.

Channel 4 only mentioned McKellen at the very end of this.

Unbelievable.

Oh, and the programme was basically hijacked from Kieran Yates, whose idea it was, by a bunch of white dudes in TV Land.

Thanks to Tom. x

Thought For The Day: Neil Bartlett

A lot of people complain that work leaves them too little time for sex. Others are very specifically angry about the influence of porn on young men. Disappointment, frustration and confusion are universal and multi-gendered – though, to my immense relief, what this myriad of anonymous voices reveals is one huge contemporary certainty. Far from being something best left to priests, pornographers or politicians, sex is something people want to think about for themselves. My own advice to my younger self, now that so many strangers have told me what they are really up to, would be simple: when we have sex, we’re not looking for plumbing – but for meaning.

Neil Bartlett's conclusions after 10,000 people answered his questionnaire about sexual fantasies.

Replies are used in his installation, Excuse Me, Would You Mind If I Asked You a Few Personal Questions About Sex?, on display at the Wellcome Collection in London, as part of the exhibition, The Institute of Sexology.

Fagburn went to this excellent show last year, but can't remember what he said. 

PS Nelly B's latest novel, The Disappearance Boy, appears in paperback on July 30th.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Patrick Smugtwit: My New Column

It is hard to write about the death of Cecil The Gay Lion without crying.

And I am weeping!

But write I must.

Cecil, you were clearly another victim of Zimbabwean safari-based homophobia.

And President Robert Mugabe - quite literally - has blood on his hands.

Let us all vow never to go to the dentist's again.

Rest in peace, oh proud gay lion.

Rest in peace.

Research: Musical Taste

Click to enlarge.
Compiled by YouGov from their profiles data.

If you haven't grasped it, these are the acts that queens are more likely to say they love than straight dudes do.

You can find - and come up with - all kinds of fascinating and funny 'People like this tend to like this...' etc stuff by fiddling around on their website.

Here, by way of example, is what happens if you ask what are 'Gay Times readers' like?

Fagburn: Filling The Void

Daily Mail.
Back after a few days off.

As you can see there's been some amazing and very important stuff happening!

Just catching up and filling in some gaps below...

Gay News: Imagine

Pink News.
Gay Star News.
Imagine having to re-write press releases like these for a living* and having to pretend to be excited.

Can you imagine how utterly soul-destroying that must be?

They are pretending, aren't they...

* ie Bearly (barely?) paid the London living wage or on unpaid internships.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Ivan Massow: Questions To Which The Answer Is No

Pink News.
Fink it was mainly cause even your beloved Tory Party fink you're bleedin' hopeless, Ivana.

DUMPED BY TEXT!!!

PS At least he could count on the loyal support of fellow gay Tory, Iain Dale; 'Delusional... creepy... buttock-clenchingly awful' etc. Check out the least convincing Cockernee accent since Dick Van Dyke below.

Monday, 27 July 2015

Lord Sewel: You Are The Quarry

The Sun.

Here is a photo of a man you'd never heard of til yesterday having far more fun than you do.

But don't worry, we're going to make the jammy bastard pay!

Full disclosure: No journalist who works for The Sun has been proven to pay for hookers and coke on expenses for at least a year.

PS Anyone for a straight re-run of the Paul Flowers, the 'Crystal Methodist', non-story?

PPS What Lord Sewel gets up to is none of our business, Ian Dunt, politics.co.uk

Sunday, 26 July 2015

Obama: Send In The Drones

The Guardian et al.

Hell yes, I'm sure the President of the Holy American Empire publicly lecturing African leaders and telling them what to do is definitely the best way to advance this.

And if they won't come and join you up on the moral high ground (on this one issue), why don't you do your usual trick and send in the drones?

Generic gay media editorial: 'This was truly an historic moment from surely the greatest president of the greatest country on Earth since Hillary. Heroic gay icons both. MLK. JFK. What we say goes, loser countries. Cry freedom!' etc etc...

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Fagburn: Victim Pride

Think I'll take a little break.

The papers are full of banal nonsense and the media seems to have been hijacked by victim culture.

Let me leave them to their comforting illusions...

Cliff: Pissed!


CHIRPY Cliff Richard appears to recreate Gene Kelly’s lamppost scene from 1952 film Singin’ in the Rain.

The star, who is facing historic sex abuse claims, looked far younger than his 74 years as he twirled outside London restaurant The Ivy.

It must be in the Genes.



Today again it appears there is no news.

Think I'll just get drunk and have a wank.

Friday, 24 July 2015

Don Joyce: 1944-2015

Christianity is stupid, communism is good

Give up!
Negativland, Negativland, Negativland, Negativland!!!!!!!!!

Sleaford Mods: Album Of The Year

Fuck fuck fuck fuck etc.

Fucking excellent. x

Best Of Enemies: In Your Theatres Now!



Best bit; 'Now listen you queer, stop calling me a crypto-Nazi or I'll sock you in the goddam face...'

And the fun ensues!

Thursday, 23 July 2015

Ukraine: Not Russia

Last week we reported on a social experiment in Russia where two young men spent the day walking the streets of Moscow while holding hands. Things didn’t go so well.

A hidden camera captured an unyielding barrage of insults, slurs, skunk-eyed stares, and physical intimidation, culminating in one extremely tense confrontation.

To shed light on the reality of LGBT life in other hostile areas, Bird in Flight magazine decided to repeat the exercise in Kiev, Ukraine.

Things really didn’t go so well.

A group of neo-nazis or extreme-right men approaches the couple, asking them if they are patriots and getting aggressive.

Once police are out of sight, they pull out pepper spray and blind both men before hurling punches and kicks at them.

Luckily, the project team was at the ready to intervene and prevent serious injury...


Queerty.

Wonderful to see Queerty readers are so well-informed they think Ukraine is part of POOTIN'S RUSSIA, not the American-made fascist entity.

USA USA USA! etc

Fagburn: Current Mood

MP: Small Boys

'Penchant' for tall boys or those of middling height not-mentioned.

PS A new panic that bewitched a generation. Same old Salem...

Ben Cohen: Now A Former Attitude Cover Star...

He fat!

Nothing to do with his accounts, mind.

Tony Blair: Heartless

Steve Bell, The Guardian.

As chosen by Benjamin Butterworth as GT's baby killing GAY ICON!

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Attitude: That Hot 100 In Full!

YOU wouldn’t think it from the screaming fans, but it looks like ONE DIRECTION are losing their charm.

The lads have plummeted in gay mag Attitude’s poll of the 100 sexiest celeb men.

HARRY STYLES crashes to No83 in this year’s Hot 100, from 26 last year, whileLOUIS TOMLINSON falls to 85 from 65 and NIALL HORAN from 47 to 87.But it is a different story for LIAM PAYNE, who must be smug that he has soared from 39 to third, just behind Magic Mike star CHANNING TATUM and Aussie bobsledder SIMON DUNN, who tops the poll.

So it looks like the band has a new Romeo. Sorry, Harry...


Attitude’s Hot 100 2015

1. Simon Dunn

2. Channing Tatum

3. Liam Payne

4. Tom Daley

5. Chris Evans


The Sun.

Anyone who works on gay or women's magazines will tell you these HOT!!! 100 polls - phwoar etc - are completely bogus, and usually depending on who the journo's currently wanking over or who the mag want an interview with (Or same).

Big Gay Cry Baby: Strikes Again!

Oh boo hoo, I am so sad.

I'm too privileged to have real problems, so I'll invent some.

Cakes!

Drag queens!!

Russia!!!

Chemsex!!!!

Oh boo hoo hoo.

Oh do shut up.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Lessons In Lexicology: Caitlyn Jenner



The LGBTQIAMABORINGPOSHTRAFFICWARDEN+ thought police are taking over...

Lord Browne: Twit

Guido Fawkes.
Liking porn is pretty normal for a man - can you imagine what Fatboy Fawkes Googles? - being a colossal corporate crook or a right-wing scumbag blobby blogger is not.

Fagburn: Goodbye

Pink News Exclusive: James Warmbottom

Hallo,

I am not very bright and can't write, so join the army and stop going to saunas.

I would say 'and get gaymarried', but that didn't really work out for me.

Oh, and I'm no longer in the army, I just like wearing the uniform.


AttenSHUN!

James Warmbottom is a columnist for wanq magazine.

EastEnders: LOL!


EastEnders fans were shocked when the BBC soap aired a gay sex scene in a funeral parlour on Friday.

TV watchdog Ofcom received 48 complaints from the public over the weekend after Ben Mitchell (Harry Reid) was seen getting frisky with Paul Coker (Jonny Labey) in front of an open coffin containing a dead woman's body.


An Ofcom spokesperson confirmed to MailOnline: 'We will assess these complaints before deciding whether to investigate or not.' ...

Mail Online.

Where do you start...

Monday, 20 July 2015

Brighton: Ban Fun

Argus.
Please don't let the fun police win.

No whisky, no cigarettes etc.

I don't like golf - a cause of many heart-attacks etc among old dudes and many horrifying secondary deaths - don't mean we should ban it.

PS Please take part in the council's survey.

Cakegate: Are You Stupid?

Lost me when he said he gets paid THOUSANDS for making a gaymarriage cake, but yeah, go somewhere else and stop whining.

Who cares if some religious nutter won't make you a cake?

Get over it.

Glasgow Free Pride: Such Complaints Are Not Unusual From Middle Class Children

At Free Pride we hope to create a safe space for all people within the LGBTQIA+ community. We understand that sometimes this will disappoint some people within the community, however our priority is always to put the needs of the most marginalised groups within our community first.

This is why, after much discussion, the trans and non binary caucus decided not to have drag acts perform at the event. This does not mean that people of any gender can’t wear what they want to the event, we simply won’t be having any self-described drag acts perform at our Free Pride Event on the 22nd August. We hope people can understand and support our decision. However we feel it important to fully explain why we came this decision.

The decision was taken by transgender individuals who were uncomfortable with having drag performances at the event. It was felt that it would make some of those who were transgender or questioning their gender uncomfortable. It was felt by the group within the Trans/Non Binary Caucus that some drag performance, particularly cis drag, hinges on the social view of gender and making it into a joke, however transgender individuals do not feel as though their gender identity is a joke. This can particularly difficult for those who are not out and still present as the gender they were assigned at birth. While it was discussed whether we could have trans drag acts perform, it was agreed that as it would not be appropriate to ask any prospective drag acts whether or not they identified as trans. It was therefore decided that having no drag acts perform would be the best option as it would mean no-one would feel pressured to out themselves. This also adheres to our Safer Spaces Policy, where we ask that no-one assume anyone else’s gender identity, and to always ask people’s pronouns...



Oh les bourgeoise!

Can you believe this student politics prissy winky wanky wet liberal victimhood?

Death to the pearl-clutching, bed-wetting gay cry babies.

If we must reclaim Pride, it's from these victim-loving guilt-tripping middle-class hysterics.

And as for your 'LGBTQIA+ community' Alphabetti Spaghetti...

Mail Online: Gay Dads Gay Dads Gay Dads Gay Dads Gay Dads Gay Dads Gay Dads Oh The Mail Online Really Loves Gay Dads

Conform OR DIE!

Oliver Sacks: Book Of The Week

Now.

Fuck...

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Ben Whishaw: How Very Interesting

So, people say you are boring...

'Erm, yes, I guess so, yes.'

Fuck, this interview is absolute torture.

'Yes, I guess it must be, yes.'

Bye.

The Sunday Times.

PS Note to subs, Ben's a gayer, so can we give this a random title by top comedy gay Freddie Mercury of Queen fame or something?

The Sun On Sunday: We Get Paid For Writing Lies

The Sun On Sunday - oracle of truth!

The Sunday People is normally the fount of this 'VIP paedophile ring' silliness.

Their stories come from the increasingly laughable tin-foil hat conspiracy twittery website Exaro.

All sounds about as believable as myths about Satanic Ritual Abuse.

ie Not.

But it sure gives good headline!

Dr Chris Jessen: Unembarassing Bodies

Daily Star On Sunday.

'Gay man goes on Grindr shock!'

Wanting new D is not a crime, taking drugs shouldn't be.

Grow up.

PS 'It's embarrassing...' No, it's not, you like cock.

Update: Ivan Massow's predictably thick reply...

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Thought For The Day: Mark Gayttis

One of the few things that really bothers me is that people constantly spell my name wrong. They assume it doesn’t matter. Yes, it matters. It’s my bloody name! I’ll get emails begging me to do something and they’ve misspelt it. Those emails instantly disappear.

Dan Osborne: As His Sexiness Joins Celebrity Big Brother We Present An Exclusive Interview

Hello Dan.

'Hi, I'm going to knife my ex-girlfirend in the cunt.'

Okay, Mr Yummy, shall we leave it there...

Harold Wilson: Eh?

Jack Straw, The Times.

Tom Daley: Exclusive Interview

Hi Tom,

When did you first realise you loved cock.

'Dunno. Maybe 12?'

Did you never look in the mirror and think I'm a big screaming what-not'?

'Yeah,' she giggles coquettishly.

Your boyfriend is so fucking old.

'Yeah,' he laughs again.

Fin.

PS Let us not forget this Guardian article by leading upper class twit, Mark Simpson, saying our Tom is not gay.

Douglas Coupland: Wonkr

I look at apps like Grindr and Tinder and see how they’ve rewritten sex culture — by creating a sexual landscape filled with vast amounts of incredibly graphic site-specific data — and I can’t help but wonder why there isn’t an app out there that rewrites political culture in the same manner. I don’t think there is. Therefore I’m inventing an app to do so and I’m calling it Wonkr — which somehow seems appropriate for a politically geared app. I dropped the “e” to make it feel more appy.

What does Wonkr do? Primarily, you put Wonkr on your phone and it asks you a quick set of questions about your beliefs. Then, the moment there are more than a few people around you (who also have Wonkr), it tells you about the people you’re sharing the room with. You’ll be in a crowded restaurant in Nashville and you can tell that 73 per cent of the room is Republican. Go into the kitchen and you’ll see that it’s 84 per cent Democrat...


Hilarious piece on online data-grabbing - which Pink News thinks is a Daily Mail conspiracy...