David Cameron: I've Been Waiting For You

“There will be young boys in schools today who are gay, who are worried about being bullied, who are worried about what society thinks of them, who can see that the highest Parliament in the land has said that their love is worth the same as anyone else’s love and that we believe in equality. And I think they’ll stand that bit taller today and I’m proud of the fact that has happened."

David Cameron, Today programme, May 22nd, 2013.

Almost hate to say it, but this did move me this morning.
Really.
But that's having speechwriters like Julian Glover feeding your lines to you.
You've come a long way, dude.
Wished you could have been there when it mattered. 

"The Blair government continues to be obsessed with their fringe agenda, including deeply unpopular moves like repealing Section 28 and allowing the promotion of homosexuality in schools".

David Cameron, electioneering in 2000.

Back to the class war...

Brendan O'Neill: In His Own Illogical Words

Congratulations, gay marriage campaigners – you have completely destroyed the meaning of social progress 

Far be it from me to say something so ludicrous that I sound like a right-wing Dave Spart, but everyone who supports gay marriage has now completely destroyed the meaning of social progress.
For ever.
Literally. 
Single-handedly.
Think about it!
Now let's get on with creating my usual quiche lorrainne of convoluted cuntery, controversy and non sequiturs...
Throughout modern history, big, democratic, civil rights leaps forward have had two things in common. First, they were demanded by very large and often very angry sections of the public; and second, it took ages and ages for the political classes to concede to them. And when they did eventually cave in and legislate for the new liberty or opportunity being demanded by the hordes, they tended to do so begrudgingly, often while wearing a sneer.
Born from mass, passionate demands from below and later instituted very reluctantly by those up above – that is the history of socially progressive developments.  
Like the Suffragettes, a bit.
Or the Civil Rights Movement, I didn't like them at the time - sell outs - but AT LEAST WOMEN AND BLACK PEOPLE DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.
And it was a bit like gay liberation, now I come to think about it. 
Which I haven't. 
This bloody gay marriage, though. 
I can't stop writing about it.
See what I did there? 
I've shrunk decades of popular struggle and queer dissent down to what the Tories have done in the last few years. 
Anyway, only the metropolitan elite support gay marriage, basically.
"Elites who hate ordinary people" - oh, sorry that laughable cliche was stuck in a Telegraph laptop, I borrowed off one of the leader writers.  
Anyway, they hate people who hate people that contradict themselves in every other sentence, and whose arguments stand up about as well as a baby giraffe.
Not like all the freethinkers here at the Daily Telegraph, like me and Jeremy and Ollie.
Or maybe I do support it, I've never said.

Looks just like him, eh?

Now, quicker than you can say; "Why do I look nothing like the pics in my byline?", the gay marriage bandwagon has literally shat in the face of every single human being in the world.
Well done, The Gays!

PS Can I get paid now, please? It's got the required number of comments.

Brendan O'Neill - who holds the record for any journalist writing articles against marriage equality.
He blogs for that well-known samizdat leftist propaganda sheet, The Daily Telegraph.
Brendan is the editor of Spiked - funding "unknown"...

* Actual quotes in bold.

Gay Marriage: An Alternative View

What The Papers Said...

The push to redefine marriage has been branded a ‘crazy, vote-losing obsession’, an “embarrassment”, and “bad politics”, by three national newspapers.
The Sun said the Conservatives were in “a wilderness of dismal poll ratings and vicious Tory civil war”, triggered by David Cameron’s “own lily-livered leadership, casual arrogance and suicidal political instincts”.
The Daily Telegraph criticised Mr Cameron’s “insensitive” push for the change, saying it “fuelled that impression that he is part of a privileged clique that looks upon ordinary members as ‘swivel-eyed loons’”.
And the Daily Mail described the Conservative Party as “clattering” [Eh?] and said its leader was “utterly at odds with traditional Tories” over the issue.

This is the latest video news bulletin and press round-up by our friends at the Christian Institute.
Fagburn is publishing them here to show our deep commitment to objectivity, and to fair and balanced reporting.
Moreover, we're concerned that they regularly go to all that trouble of mocking-up a TV studio when they're only averaging 80 views a day. 

PS The Christian Institute never reply to our emails about why they chose their God over, say, the more fun-sounding Zeus, but now feels like a time for bridge-building, so let's let bygones be bygones.

Daily Express: Banging!

So much has been written about gay marriage in the newspapers over the last few days, Fagburn has rather cruelly neglected the Daily Express.
If you're not familiar with the Express, try and imagine if the Daily Mail were even shitter. 
As you can see from the above ever so slightly hyperbolic leader teaser - rather challengingly, the whole thing's five sentences long - they're not keen.
"Banging on about gay weddings will hardly impress voters who cannot afford their heating bills," they warn.
Thankfully, the Express has been banging away about it like nobody's business all week.
In fact, it's hard to know where to begin - so I won't bother.
I will just leave you with the wise words of this article...
Being Against Gay Marriage Does Not Make You A Bigot
To which one might add; "...But It Helps!"  

Ukip: In The Not Very Nice Party Shock!

Daily Star.

Oh noes! Someone in Ukip has said he doesn't like the idea of gay sex much! I is so shocked! SHOCKED IS I! Imagine if they said that about Patrick Smugtwit! I'm so banal and boring I can only get angry about crap like this! Let's get this trending on Twitter and start an All Out online petition!!!

22-5-2013: Harvey Milk Day

Via Joe My God.

David Burrowes MP: Don't Forget

 

Commons done, Lords next

But we're not done with you yet.

MWAHAHA!

Dominique Venner: Pour Encourager Les Autres

Dominique Venner, an almost unfeasibly right-wing French historian and tinpot terrorist, has shot himself in the head inside Notre-Dame de Paris, apparently in protest against gay marriage and all the Muslamics and that.
No great loss to the world.
Let's hope this selfish act inspires more of his kind to kill themselves in similarly futile gestures. 

Eddie Braben: 1930-2013

Comedy genius, best-known as scriptwriter for Morecambe & Wise.
A brief obituary on Radio 4 News has ended with the line; "It was his idea to get the duo to share a double bed."
Of course it was the 70s then, very different times etc etc.

Norman Tebbit: And Why Not?

"I said to a minister I know: have you thought this through? Because you’re doing the law of succession, too.
“When we have a queen who is a lesbian and she marries another lady and then decides she would like to have a child and someone donates sperm and she gives birth to a child, is that child heir to the throne?
“It’s like one of my colleagues said: we’ve got to make these same sex marriages available to all.
“It would lift my worries about inheritance tax because maybe I’d be allowed to marry my son. Why not?"

Norman Tebbit speaking to the Big Issue.
He also uses a four-letter word - too disgusting to be mentioned on a family-orientated blog - the evil potty-mouthed cunt.

PS For the record, despite the yawnsome hoo-ha, it's not clear here if the "marry my son" line is by Stormin' Norman or his colleague.

Aggressive Homosexuals: This Means War!

Steve Bell's cartoon in The Guardian.

Though there was an avalanche of nonsense, bigotry and hate released yesterday - and some sentimental liberal vomit from "our side" - the buzzphrase from the debate on the Marriage Bill soon emerged as "aggressive homosexuals".
This was in tribute to leading Tory grandee loonbat Sir Gerald Howarth's comments to the House...

"I fear that the playing field is not being levelled. I believe that the pendulum is now swinging so far the other way that there are plenty in the aggressive homosexual community who see this as but a stepping-stone..."*

A stepping stone to what exactly?
How does one go about join this aggressive homosexual community?
And can you please stop mixing your metaphors quite so terribly?
This was so ridiculous it soon became a hashtag on Twitter, #aggressivehomosexuals; Nigel Slayer, Kill Bert & George, Sir Ian McKillin', Russell Grant Mitchell, Extremely Vicious Old Queens, "I'm free... to kill again!" etc etc.
All most amusing, but listening to Gerald Howarth today, it just sounded incredibly sinister, with echoes of Rivers Of Blood.
Hahaha!

* You can listen to it as a soundclip here via The Guardian.

PS The "aggressive homosexuals" thing also soon gave rise to some lame, forced and painfully unfunny reworkings unto parodic accounts of "straightbashing" incidents and being hit with pink feather boas or pink feather dusters and the like. Ho ho ho. Here's a real stinker from "comedy" site NewsBiscuit. Even Vicious was funnier than this, FFS. 

Update: A piece by Michael White went up on The Guardian Online on Tuesday afternoon; Gay marriage is a detox symbol for Cameron, but is it worth the trouble?
After a heck of lot of waffle - and White agreeing with Mr Howarth "that one or two gay rights lobbies adopt the same kind of aggressive tactics that militants do in most campaigns"! - we discover that although Princess Michael thinks most people now aren't bothered by gay marriage being introduced,
"But other swaths of public opinion, they may even be small swaths, care a great deal. They are the grannies protesting – here and abroad – with their "Marriage = Man + Woman" placards, the clergymen, rabbis and imams who protest against what they regard as the tainting of the core institution of civil society down the ages, the family that consists of parents, children, grandchildren, aunts, cousins, pets."
So it's not the aggressive homosexuals we need to fear, it's the unaggressive grannies with pets.
So think on.

Telegraph: Something To Tell You...

A lovely cartoon by Matt in the Daily Telegraph.
He always seems like a gently subversive presence at the Torygraph, and often makes me laugh.
Though not half as much as this did...

These are confusing times at Telegraph towers.
As with the last two days, there's lots and lots today about the Tories' current crisis - and on Ukip, Europe, gay marriage blah blah blah - but it's a bit like ploughing through the minutes of your local branch of the Swivel-Eyed Loony Party.

Cruising: Toad In The Hole?

Families have complained that a nature reserve said to have inspired The Wind in the Willows has become a hotspot for gay sex.
Police said patrols may be stepped up to stop the car park being hogged by couples.
Hogmoor Copse, near Pangbourne, Berks, where author Kenneth Grahame lived, gets four out of five on the Gay Cruising in Berkshire website.
But one walker said police should “give it back to the right kind of nature lover”.
Englefield Estate, which owns the car park, said it will be speaking to officers.

Daily Mirror.

Oh hahaha! Well fancy that!
Except it's not really the - doubtless idyllic - Hogmoor Copse nature reserve.
The website, which is actually called Gay Cruising, says it's a layby on the A4.
And if you think a "cruising ground" being mentioned on the internet is any guarantee it's going to be a "hotbed for gay sex", well good luck to you, dude.
Especially if it's the 11th "hottest" in Berkshire, with two ratings!
And Wind In The Willows was famously inspired by Cookham, where Kenneth grew up.
So basically you meant; "Layby nowhere near the place that inspired The Wind in the Willows is probably far from being a hotspot for gay sex".
Brilliant.
Oh, and Mole, Ratty, Mr Toad and Mr Badger were clearly all queer as coots, so I don't think they'd be that bothered, anyway. 

PS The Mirror story ends with a Sex In Public photo gallery! Some readers may be disappointed to find it's mainly photos of doggers' cars.

Gay Marriage: All Over Bar The Fuming?

David Cameron stoked Tory anger last night after he struck an eleventh-hour deal with Labour to save his divisive gay marriage plans.
Even with Labour support the Government suffered a bruising evening as two Cabinet members and nine junior ministers led dozens of Tories to vote against the leadership.
Rebel efforts to secure opt-outs for registrars opposed to gay marriage and extra protection for churches were defeated with the aid of Labour and Lib Dem MPs. But the sheer scale of Tory opposition to the Prime Minister, on a free vote, was a sign of how mutinous the party has become.
More than 100 Conservative MPs, led by Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, and Owen Paterson, the Environment Secretary, lined up against Mr Cameron on the first amendment of the evening.
But on the night’s key vote, a “wrecking amendment” that would extend civil partnerships to heterosexual couples, the Prime Minister was forced to accept Labour demands for a swift review in order to see off the threat. Senior Conservatives were infuriated by what they branded “yet another instance of utter incompetence” by the party leadership...

The Times - the only paper today to make the Marriage Bill their front-page lead.
Though the headline's line - "drives Cameron into Labour's arms" - is both over-the-top and based on a schoolboy snigger.

Not half as deliriously OTT as their sister paper The Sun >>> - Is Rupert Murdoch phoning these in?
There was a wrecking amendment, after some consultation with Labour it was voted out (and only 56 Tory MPs voted for it), and the bill was passed - how is that a "kicking"?
The consensus seems to be that the bill will now be waived through the Lords and we could all be getting gaymarried before the year's out.
But, as The Times' leader said David Cameron can now get on with the politically euphemismtastic tasks of "cutting the deficit and reforming the economy", I wouldn't advise on planning too elaborate a wedding.

Scotland: Church Says Yes (But No)

For much of yesterday evening BBC News was leading with two different gay stories - almost certainly a first.
After leading with all that palaver over the Marriage Bill, came the Church of Scotland's General Assembly voting to allow "actively" (tee hee-hee etc etc) gay men and women to become ministers.
Err, except they didn't.
I've read several reports of what they've actually done, and the person who explained it most clearly was a spokesbot for their more bigoted rivals, the Free Church of Scotland, who told STV;

"The winning motion says that it affirms the historic doctrine of the Church, which is of course opposed to the ordination of ministers in same-sex relationships.
"Yet at the same time the motion permits congregations to call ministers in same-sex relationships. The whole thing is totally confusing.
"We don't understand what's going on in the Church of Scotland, and suspect the vast majority of the Scottish public don't have a Scooby either."

Confused, confusing, hypocritical, nonsensical, antediluvian, and more barking than Lothian Dogs Home - but would you expect anything less from a bunch of Christians? 

Tom Daley: Happy 19th Birthday!

As you can see I thought I'd make our Tom a birthday present this year.
On Saturday I went to Plymouth to give it to him in person.
Do you think he likes it? :)

x

PS Great to hear yesterday that gay marriage is one step closer.
Looks like my clever plan is starting to all fall into place...

Independent: Another Kind Of Gaybashing

The Independent.

Much love to Chris and Damon.

xxx

Jonathan Richman: I'm A Little Dinosaur

Well, I'm a little dinosaur
I'm a little dinosaur
I'm a little dinosaur
But I'm planning to go away.

Now, I am real old, don't you know
Born ten billion years ago.
But they don't love me here enough and so
I'm planning to go away.

Bye bye dinosaurs!