Eddie Braben: 1930-2013

Comedy genius, best-known as scriptwriter for Morecambe & Wise.
A brief obituary on Radio 4 News has ended with the line; "It was his idea to get the duo to share a double bed."
Of course it was the 70s then, very different times etc etc.

Norman Tebbit: The Big Questions

"I said to a minister I know: have you thought this through? Because you’re doing the law of succession, too.
“When we have a queen who is a lesbian and she marries another lady and then decides she would like to have a child and someone donates sperm and she gives birth to a child, is that child heir to the throne?
“It’s like one of my colleagues said: we’ve got to make these same sex marriages available to all.
“It would lift my worries about inheritance tax because maybe I’d be allowed to marry my son. Why not?"

Norman Tebbit speaking to the Big Issue.
He also uses a four-letter word - too disgusting to be mentioned on a family-orientated blog - the evil potty-mouthed cunt. 

Aggressive Homosexuals: This Means War!

Steve Bell's cartoon in The Guardian.

Though there was an avalanche of nonsense, bigotry and hate released yesterday - and some real sentimental liberal vomit from "our side" - the buzzphrase from the debate on the Marriage Bill soon emerged as "aggressive homosexuals".
This was in tribute to leading Tory grandee loonbat Sir Gerald Howarth's comments to the House...

"I fear that the playing field is not being levelled. I believe that the pendulum is now swinging so far the other way that there are plenty in the aggressive homosexual community who see this as but a stepping-stone..."*

It was so ridiculous - a stepping stone to what exactly, how does one join this aggressive homosexual community? - and so hilarious it soon became a hashtag on Twitter, #aggressivehomosexuals; Nigel Slayer, Kill Bert & George, Sir Ian McKillin', Russell Grant Mitchell, Extremely Vicious Old Queens, "I'm free... to kill again!" etc etc.
All very funny, even though I do say so my fantastic self, but listening to Gerald Howarth today, I couldn't help being reminded of Enoch Powell's Rivers Of Blood speech; "'In this country in 15 or 20 years' time the black man will have the whip hand over the white man'."
Too much?
I can't help it, I'm one of those aggressive homosexuals. 

* You can listen to it as a soundclip here via The Guardian.

Update: A piece by Michael White went up on The Guardian Online on Tuesday afternoon; Gay marriage is a detox symbol for Cameron, but is it worth the trouble?
After a heck of lot of waffle - and White agreeing with Howarth "that one or two gay rights lobbies adopt the same kind of aggressive tactics that militants do in most campaigns"! - we discover that Princess Michael thinks most people now aren't bothered by gay marriage being introduced, but BUT!!!
"But other swaths of public opinion, they may even be small swaths, care a great deal. They are the grannies protesting – here and abroad – with their "Marriage = Man + Woman" placards, the clergymen, rabbis and imams who protest against what they regard as the tainting of the core institution of civil society down the ages, the family that consists of parents, children, grandchildren, aunts, cousins, pets."
So think on.
It's not the aggressive homosexuals we need to fear, it's the unaggressive grannies with pets.

Telegraph: Something To Tell You...

A lovely cartoon by Matt in the Daily Telegraph.
He always seems like a gently subversive presence at the Torygraph, and often makes me laugh.
Though not half as much as this did...

These are confusing times at Telegraph towers.
As with the last two days, there's lots and lots today about the Tories' current crisis - and on Ukip, Europe, gay marriage blah blah blah - but it's a bit like ploughing through the minutes of your local branch of the Swivel-Eyed Loony Party.

Cruising: Toad In The Hole?

Families have complained that a nature reserve said to have inspired The Wind in the Willows has become a hotspot for gay sex.
Police said patrols may be stepped up to stop the car park being hogged by couples.
Hogmoor Copse, near Pangbourne, Berks, where author Kenneth Grahame lived, gets four out of five on the Gay Cruising in Berkshire website.
But one walker said police should “give it back to the right kind of nature lover”.
Englefield Estate, which owns the car park, said it will be speaking to officers.

Daily Mirror.

Oh hahaha! Well fancy that!
Except it's not really the - doubtless idyllic - Hogmoor Copse nature reserve.
The website, which is actually called Gay Cruising, says it's a layby on the A4.
And if you think a "cruising ground" being mentioned on the internet is any guarantee it's going to be a "hotbed for gay sex", well good luck to you, dude.
Especially if it's the 11th "hottest" in Berkshire, with two ratings!
So basically you meant; "Layby nowhere near the place that inspired The Wind in the Willows is probably far from being a hotspot for gay sex".
Brilliant.
Oh, and Mole, Ratty, Mr Toad and Mr Badger were clearly all queer as coots, so I don't think they'd be that bothered, anyway. 

PS The Mirror story ends with a Sex In Public photo gallery! Some readers may be disappointed to find it's mainly photos of doggers' cars.

Gay Marriage: All Over Bar The Fuming?

David Cameron stoked Tory anger last night after he struck an eleventh-hour deal with Labour to save his divisive gay marriage plans.
Even with Labour support the Government suffered a bruising evening as two Cabinet members and nine junior ministers led dozens of Tories to vote against the leadership.
Rebel efforts to secure opt-outs for registrars opposed to gay marriage and extra protection for churches were defeated with the aid of Labour and Lib Dem MPs. But the sheer scale of Tory opposition to the Prime Minister, on a free vote, was a sign of how mutinous the party has become.
More than 100 Conservative MPs, led by Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, and Owen Paterson, the Environment Secretary, lined up against Mr Cameron on the first amendment of the evening.
But on the night’s key vote, a “wrecking amendment” that would extend civil partnerships to heterosexual couples, the Prime Minister was forced to accept Labour demands for a swift review in order to see off the threat. Senior Conservatives were infuriated by what they branded “yet another instance of utter incompetence” by the party leadership...

The Times - the only paper today to make the Marriage Bill their front-page lead.
Though the headline's line - "drives Cameron into Labour's arms" - is both over-the-top and based on a schoolboy snigger.

Not half as deliriously OTT as their sister paper The Sun >>> - Is Rupert Murdoch phoning these in?
There was a wrecking amendment, after some consultation with Labour it was voted out (and only 56 Tory MPs voted for it), and the bill was passed - how is that a "kicking"?
The consensus seems to be that the bill will now be waived through the Lords and we could all be getting gaymarried before the year's out.
But, as The Times' leader said David Cameron can now get on with the politically euphemismtastic tasks of "cutting the deficit and reforming the economy", I wouldn't advise on planning too elaborate a wedding.

Scotland: Church Says Yes (But No)

For much of yesterday evening BBC News was leading with two different gay stories - almost certainly a first.
After leading with all that palaver over the Marriage Bill, came the Church of Scotland's General Assembly voting to allow "actively" (tee hee-hee etc etc) gay men and women to become ministers.
Err, except they didn't.
I've read several reports of what they've actually done, and the person who explained it most clearly was a spokesbot for their more bigoted rivals, the Free Church of Scotland, who told STV;

"The winning motion says that it affirms the historic doctrine of the Church, which is of course opposed to the ordination of ministers in same-sex relationships.
"Yet at the same time the motion permits congregations to call ministers in same-sex relationships. The whole thing is totally confusing.
"We don't understand what's going on in the Church of Scotland, and suspect the vast majority of the Scottish public don't have a Scooby either."

Confused, confusing, hypocritical, nonsensical, antediluvian, and more barking than Lothian Dogs Home - but would you expect anything less from a bunch of Christians? 

Tom Daley: Happy 19th Birthday!

As you can see I thought I'd make our Tom a birthday present this year.
On Saturday I went to Plymouth to give it to him in person.
Do you think he likes it? :)

x

PS Great to hear yesterday that gay marriage is one step closer.
Looks like my clever plan is starting to all fall into place...

Independent: Another Kind Of Gaybashing

The Independent.

Much love to Chris and Damon.

xxx

Jonathan Richman: I'm A Little Dinosaur

Well, I'm a little dinosaur
I'm a little dinosaur
I'm a little dinosaur
But I'm planning to go away.

Now, I am real old, don't you know
Born ten billion years ago.
But they don't love me here enough and so
I'm planning to go away.

Bye bye dinosaurs!  

Advert: An Open Letter From Nigel Farage

Full disclosure: When Nigel Farage approached us last week saying he wanted to place this advert with Fagburn, we refused to accept any payment.
We believe Ukip is now the natural home for all our island nation's mad swivel-eyed loons, and heartily agree with all of their policies, whatever they may be.
We further believe that Nigel is the greatest Prime Minister this country has yet to have, especially now the equally charismatic and plain-speaking Sir Oswald Mosley is sadly no longer with us.
If The Gays want to get married, they should move to France or somewhere else a bit funny and foreign, and leave us proud Englishmen free to smoke in pubs, while drinking pints of warm bitter (paid for in thrupenny bits) and watching some jousting, in peace.

Marriage: Looney Tunes

What are Tories who think gay marriage will cost Cameron the election if not mad, swivel-eyed loons?
The pot-holed economy, sick NHS, damaged schools and bedroom tax are why this PM should be shown the door.
My 27-year marriage to my wife isn’t threatened by letting Adam and Steve wed too. If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, don’t marry someone of the same sex.
On Radio 4 yesterday I was shocked when Baroness Trumpington, an otherwise delightful old lady, went out of her way to denounce gay marriage.
The Tory revolt is fresh evidence of the eclipse of Cameroonism and denounced Dave’s isolation.
He shot the huskies by abandoning the environment.
These days he handcuffs not hugs the hoodies.
The self-anointed Heir to Blair has switched to calling himself a Child of Thatcher, wrongly claiming we’re all Thatcherites now.
Cameron’s wedded to gay marriage because he knows to divorce himself from it now would be more damaging than an unhappy relationship.
A Tory Right blinded by personal hatred cannot see how Right-wing the PM is on the big economic and political issues.
The blame rests with a leader who tried to be all things to all people and finished by satisfying none.

Kevin Maguire in the Mirror.

And finally, to The Sun's take on the most pressing political issues of the day.
Though, somewhat incongruously, they concluded their article with some of the least hysterical - even boring - words of the day.
"The bill is likely to pass through the Commons on Tuesday with Labour and Lib Dem support."

Gay Marriage: Wrecking Balls

Downing Street issued a stark warning that the bill to legalise gay marriage will run into grave trouble – and cost the taxpayer an extra £4bn – if the Labour party joins forces with Tory opponents to vote in favour of granting civil partnerships to heterosexual couples.
As David Cameron was accused by the Conservative Grassroots group of showing "utter contempt" for party activists by pressing ahead with plans to equalise marriage...

The government warned of three dangers to the bill if an amendment to grant civil partnerships to heterosexual couples is passed. It is being tabled by the former children's minister Tim Loughton who opposes gay marriage. A government source said the Loughton amendment would:

• Come with a price tag of £4bn. Steve Webb, the pensions minister, told parliament's joint committee on human rights last week that the state would be liable for new "survivors'" pension rights.

• Delay the introduction of the entire bill by 18 to 24 months because the government would need to work on the joint implementation of new rights for gay married couples and heterosexual couples in new civil partnerships.

• Complicate the government's argument that the changes are about strengthening the institution of marriage by opening it to all couples. "If you open up civil partnerships to opposite sex couples then the institution of marriage will be weakened," one government source said. "The church will not be happy about that."

Government sources said the warnings were aimed at Ed Miliband, Labour's leader, whose support for the amendment will be decisive...

The Guardian. 

If you billy-well ask me, the take-up for civil partnerships by straight couples would be tiny, just as gay civil partnerships would fall away if we got equal marriage.
And there's no earthly need to delay implementation by long.
But it seems some people are increasingly concerned/confused - one might even say hysterical - about how much wrecking this "wrecking amendment" could actually do. 

The Times also made today's Marriage Bill debate a big scary front page headline (as opposed to "loongate" more generally).
But said no more about it than a few opening lines.

David Cameron faces another defeat in the Commons today as his leadership comes under unprecedented strain from angry party members and revolts over gay marriage and Europe.

The Prime Minister’s plan to introduce gay marriage is set to be plunged into chaos if Labour MPs join Tory rebels in a key vote today. It comes amid gloomy predictions within Downing Street that the UK Independence Party will win most seats in next year’s European elections...

If you turn to their leader for clarification, the Times - once pro, now not-so - gives this robust advice.

PS Lots of stockphoto cake toppers and hands illustrating stories today, but well done to The Independent who ran a photo of some real people; two good looking young women - natch - kissing under that well-known British landmark, la cathédrale Notre-Dame de Paris.
The Indy put Europe on their front page, but gave their lucky readers a cake topper cartoon inside. Inspired!

Mail: Furore! Rage!! MARRIAGE MELTDOWN!!!

Via #tomorrowspaperstoday

Think I'll leave this one til tomorrow.
Please remember the magic words; "It's only the Daily Mail".
Don't have nightmares, do sleep well. 

x

Update: Here is the story.
See the blogpost above ^^^.
Also see the Mail Online readers' comments for some top comedy.
Fagburn hasn't done a scientific survey, but I think there's been a marked rise in pro-gay to anti-gay comments in the last few years.  
Wish there was an option so you could read them in order of the 'Most Bigoted', though. 

Mr Anti-Gay UK 2013: Our 6 Gorgeous Finalists!

Having missed the last post yesterday, here's the big guns from Conservative Grassroots hand-delivering their letter about gay marriage to Number 10 earlier this afternoon.
Phwoar! These loons are certainly a sight for swivel-eyes, eh boys?
And what a wonderful cross-section of modern Britain these chaps represent, too.
I hope David Cameron doesn't just put the letter in a drawer along with that last gas bill, and wait til he gets a reminder.

PS Fagburn is now running a sweepstake on which one of the above creepy right-wing cnuts is most likely to be caught up in a torrid gay sex scandal first* - drop me an email. 

* Whilst there's much evidence that those who protest the loudest about The Gays often harbour secret homosexual urges, I'm sure most of these honourable gentlemen's obsessive opposition to gay marriage is for more simple reasons; they just hate poofs. 

MIchael Douglas: A Little Behind

Despite the fabulous photo above promoting Behind The Candelabra, The Sunday Times puts Michael Douglas in their News Review section, rather than in Culture or the magazine.
That's because in the interview (bought in from New York magazine), he doesn't talk much about the film.
It's a profile of him where; "Michael Douglas describes his recent battle with cancer, his son’s imprisonment and how playing Liberace reflects his own old-school Hollywood grit."
Oh, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
When he's asked about the film ("the toast of Cannes last week"), it's that question that every (presumably) straight journalist wants to know - WHAT WAS IT LIKE DOING THE GAY SEX SCENES?!!!

Gay Marriage: For The Sake Of Our Dinosaur Children

David Cameron's support for gay marriage has made winning the general election "virtually impossible", Conservative activists have said.

In a letter to the PM, more than 30 past and present local party chairmen warned his backing for a change of law had led to voters switching to UKIP.
They said many would not return unless the plans were abandoned "or the party leadership changed"...
The letter to Mr Cameron was organised by the Conservative Grassroots umbrella group.

Its chairman Bob Woollard said: "The prime minister's bizarre drive to ram this legislation through Parliament, without any democratic mandate and without the support of party members, has been a disaster and has driven thousands of voters to UKIP.

"The marriage-based family is at the heart of Conservatism.
"This dilution and unravelling of marriage has de-motivated many ordinary, loyal Conservative Party members and has undermined their years of hard work for something they believed in.
"It makes winning the next election virtually impossible... For the sake of our children they should also strengthen conventional marriage."

BBC News. 

How very interesting.
Is anyone surprised this is what your actual Conservative local party chairmen think?
The Sun Sunday is claiming an "EXCLUSIVE" on this.
It isn't, really.
Also looks like the tiresome/tireless activists at Conservative Grassroots weren't together enough to get their letter in any of Sunday's papers.
The full text is on Conservative Grassroots fun-packed website.
There are six points - all too boring and/or flaky for words, especially on a Sunday morning.
Though Fagburn particularly liked them claiming gay marriage has alienated Muslims and ethnic minorities, two groups that I'm sure all the signatories care deeply about.

The Independent On Sunday's Schrank with a new take on the cartoonists' favourite Coalition cliche, Cameron and Clegg as a gay couple.

And finally, competition time!
Can you count all the articles on the Sunday/Daily Telegraph website today about some variation of the following: Cameron, Coalition, Conservatives, Europe, gay marriage, Grassroots "Loons", Lib Dems, "metropolitan elite", "ordinary voters", "out of touch", referendum, Ukip etc etc? 
Winner wins a gay windfarm.

Eurovision: Happy Finnish

IRELAND’S Eurovision dreams were overshadowed by a LESBIAN kiss last night as Finland’s sexy singer sent temperatures soaring.

Krista Siegfrids, 27, vowed to “make a statement” about her country’s ban on gay marriage and she did that by planting a smacker on a girl dancer during her routine.The blonde babe chose her song, Marry Me, as a protest against the Finnish parliament’s decision to turn down a vote on gay marriage legislation last year.
Siegfrids said: “The fact is that Finland is the only country in the Nordic countries where gay marriage is not allowed, and I think that’s wrong. It’s 2013 now and I can kiss anyone I want to. It shouldn’t be a problem.”
Meanwhile, Ireland’s Ryan Dolan delivered the performance of a lifetime with his song Only Love Survives, but it wasn’t enough to end Ireland’s 17-year losing streak at the annual song contest...
Throughout the past week in Malmo, Ireland’s act has proven a huge hit with Eurovision fans. Topless dancers Alan McGrath and Colm Farrell won thousands of adoring fans by performing in tight leather trousers with Celtic symbols inked onto their torsos.

The Sun, Irish edition.

When the history books come to record the long struggle for marriage equality, Fagburn hopes they give this truly epochal moment its rightful place.
Last night the "blonde babe" and "sexy singer" Krista Siegfrids "planted a smacker on a girl dancer" at the end of a song, Marry Me, which is about how she wants her boyfriend to propose to her.
Maybe she's hinting he'll be getting lots of hot girl-on-girl three-way action, a popular fantasy for straight men?
Photos of Krista kissing a girl - and liking it! - have been by far the most popular way for the media to illustrate Eurovision 2013, both in the run-up to the contest, and this morning.*
Phwoar!
Fagburn hopes he isn't ejaculating prematurely when he says he thinks the battle for marriage equality is now as good as won.

* Last night host Petra Mede, performed a comic song about Sweden that actually did reference gay marriage there, and featured two male dancers kissing, though strangely this hasn't seemed to excite picture editors in the same way.

PS Screengrab from gormless Gay Star News. Finland came 24th. Ireland last - cue a thousand tweets observing how those fellas in the leather trousers turned out to be "bottoms".