Thursday, 11 February 2016

My Mum: 1941-2016

Thank you for everything!

PS Think I'll take a some time off. 

Wednesday, 10 February 2016

Isis: The Gay Jihadist?

Police and prosecutors attempted to keep the identity and possible homosexuality of a British jihadist a secret to protect his human rights, it can be reported today.

Officers and the Crown Prosecution Service were concerned that should details surrounding Aseel Muthana emerge during a trial of his friends who helped him join Isil it would put his life at risk.

They believed they still had a duty of care under human rights laws to protect the teenager, even though he had run off to join a terror group intent on attacking this country.

The concerns centred on a series of text messages between Muthana, now 19, and Forhad Rahman, 21, who helped pay for him to travel to the war zone in February 2014.

Language in the messages left their “sexuality open to interpretation” after Rahman described Cardiff man Muthana as a “Welsh cutie”.

The pair only met online two months before Muthana left but formed a “profound emotional closeness" and called each other “cutie”, “honey” and “babe” in messages.

With Isil known to murder gay men and women, prosecutors initially discussed the need for reporting restrictions either on Muthana’s name or the details of the messages.

Muthana’s brother Nasser was already in Syria and later appeared in one of Isil’s first propaganda videos in which he encouraged others to join him.

In the end, it could not be ascertained whether Muthana was gay or not and the evidence was not subject to any court order...


Erm, well this is a  bit of an odd one, isn't it?

Born This Way: Born Bad

For decades activists have worked tirelessly to spread the message that sexual orientation is not a choice—a fight that Lady Gaga took to pulsing heights in 2011 with her hit anthem “Born This Way.” And over time, the message has begun to take hold. While in 1985 only about 20% of Americans believed that people are born gay, that figure more than doubled to around 47% in 2015, according to the Pew Research Center.

But what if teaching that gay people are “born that way” isn’t the most effective way to erase homophobia? A new study reveals that even those who believe sexual orientation is not a choice can be homophobic—just as those who know race is not a choice can be racist. Do activists, community leaders, and even parents need to tweak their message?

For the study, published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, researchers from the University of Tennessee and University of Missouri-Colombia recruited 645 college students to answer questions about their beliefs involving sexual orientation. Respondents were presented with statements such as “It is impossible to truly change one’s sexual orientation,” then asked to rate each statement’s validity on a scale of one to five, with one being “strongly disagree” and five being “strongly agree.” Others statements included:

  • “Sexual orientation is a category with distinct boundaries: A person is either gay/lesbian or heterosexual.”
  • “People who share the same sexual orientation pursue common goals.”
  • “It’s useful to group people according to their sexual orientation.”
Based on their answers, participants were given scores in the four categories below. The higher the score in a category, the more the person endorsed that particular belief:

  1. Discreteness: Sexual orientation groups are clear and have and non-overlapping boundaries. Thus being gay makes you completely different than being bi or being straight.
  2. Homogeneity: Believing that members of a certain sexual orientation are all similar to one another.
  3. Naturalness: Belief that someone did not choose their sexual orientation, but rather they are born that way.
  4. Informativeness: By knowing someone’s sexual orientation (SO) you can glean other information about them. In other words, their identity is tied to their SO.
The researchers discovered that many participants scored very high on the naturalness scale—meaning they endorsed the idea that being gay is not a choice. However, many simultaneously scored high in the other categories, which measured “homonegative” beliefs.

So what does this reveal? People may be fine saying, “sure, they’re born that way”—but they may also hold beliefs that suggest that being gay makes someone fundamentally different as a human, and thus opens the door for prejudice and discrimination..

“We found that most of respondents believe that sexual minorities are ‘born that way,’ and that sexual orientation is not changeable,” Patrick Grzanka, a professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee and the study’s co-author, told me over e-mail. However, he continued, “We found that people who are high in all four of these beliefs were more likely to be straight, and that people high in all four of these beliefs were more likely to be homophobic.” ...


It's also a great example of people picking a belief that they find the easiest to live with.

No-one really has a clue what makes us gay.

Adoption: 1 In 12

The adoption of children by gay men and lesbians has become routine with one in 12 children now placed with a same sex couple.

New figures show a fourfold increase in gay adoption in the past five years, representing a change in attitudes among the public and professionals working in children’s services.

Gay men and women were given the right to adopt in 2002 but they were often passed over in favour of married heterosexual couples in the early years. Reforms of adoption law in 2010 to boost the number, campaigned for by The Times, put pressure on adoption services to find more prospective parents, encouraging them to widen their search to the gay community.
In 2010 only 120 children were adopted by same sex couples in England. Last year the number rose to 450...

The Times. 

It's actually not a very big number, is it?

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Squirt: Disgusting

This poster advertising ‘non stop hookups’ for gay men has been removed from Cardiff bus stops after complaints it was 'inappropriate'.
Twitter users complained to Cardiff Bus and the city council saying the poster was not suitable for display in the city centre. The advert was for which describes itself as “the hottest #gayhookup #gaycruising site for gay & bi men”.
Twitter users complained the advert was "inappropriate" and would be "awkward" for families.
Cardiff Bus responded that the bus stops fall under the control of Cardiff council. The council in turn say they responded to complaints and have had the posters removed.

Twitter user David Spragg called the advert "disgusting" and "inappropriate" using the hashtag #getitremoveddisgusting ...

Wales Online.

They are fugly, though.

TV & Film: Positive Prejudice

Psychologists at Anglia Ruskin University are exploring the issues around “positive prejudice” towards gay men in the UK.
Due to popular TV shows Sex and the City and Will & Grace, and movies such as My Best Friend’s Wedding, the common stereotype of gay men is that they are stylish, witty, and emotionally available.

Academics believe even seemingly positive stereotypes have the potential to be damaging as they paint gay men as one dimensional figures and prevent people from seeing someone’s true personality. 

The study is being led by Ashley Brooks, a PhD student at Anglia Ruskin University under the supervision of Dr Daragh McDermott, Principal Lecturer in Social Psychology.

Brooks said:

“We commonly see the ‘gay best friend’ being played out in popular media, and this is also becoming increasingly prevalent in real life interactions between heterosexuals and gay men.
“Because these attitudes appear positive on the face of it, they gain widespread acceptance and remain unchallenged despite their potential to cause long-term damage.”

The research team are aiming to survey 1,000 people in order to measure the extent of these attitudes, which may be expressed in a positive way but may transmit stereotypical or negative messages.

Dr McDermott said:

“On the face of it, stereotypes associated with gay men, such as being fashionable or witty, appear positive and may even hold some truth to them.  
“However, by their very nature these stereotypes pigeonhole what it means to be gay and lead to unrealistic expectations of how gay men are expected to behave."...

Anglia Ruskin University. 

Who knew??! etc etc.

PS Slightly smug 'My fantastic life!' Independent Voices piece.

PPS And a quite good Guardian piece by Andrew McMillan (that's actually about the report). Also see Joe Stone on TV's changing representation of gay men, from Will & Grace to Empire.

Monday, 8 February 2016

Tom Of Finland: The Official Movie.

Protagonist Pictures has come on board to handle worldwide sales on Dome Karukoski’s latest project “Tom of Finland,” with shooting set for Gothenberg, Sweden, in the spring.

Aleksi Bardy wrote the screenplay, which tells the life story of Touko Laaksonen, a man who would become known around the world by his nom de guerre “Tom of Finland.”

The cast of the film will be announced at a Feb. 14 news conference during the Berlin Film Festival.

The story centers on Laaksonen returning home to Helsinki a hero after a harrowing and eventful military service in World War II. He is persecuted for his homosexuality, trapped in secret affairs and pressured to get married to a woman. He discovers refuge and liberation in his art, specializing in homoerotic drawings of muscular men in sexually uninhibited situations, develops a worldwide following and helps fan the flames of a gay revolution in the U.S.

“This is the story of a man ahead of his time, bravely standing up against a world virulently against his right to be who he was – a homosexual man with homosexual fantasies,” stated Karukoski. “The story shows how literally one person can create change in the world, even with something as simple as an artist’s tools.” ...


Should have been a cartoon really... 

PS Think this is the formerly unauthorized film - there's a teaser for it here.

Flare: Hot Pants

To celebrate the launch of this year's Flare: London LGBT Film Festival here's a picture of Russell Tovey in his pants.

Will Young: My Shame

SINGER Will Young has opened up about how living with ’17 years of shame’ over being gay resulted in him turning to X-rated videos online.

The 37-year-old didn’t hold back as he spoke at National Student Pride 2016 at London's University Of Westminster on Saturday.

He said: “I was a love addict, I still am an addict, addicted to porn, certainly addicted to alcohol.

“I’d never been on a date without having at least two drinks before I’d left the house and I didn’t even notice that was a problem.” ...

The Leave Right Now singer explained: “I will keep coming back to shame because it’s such a fundamental thing.

“Until I conquered it I just kept having sex to fill the void, watching porn, shopping, anything, and I think we are told that as soon as we come out everything will be OK, but it’s just not the case.” ...

Think you probably like having a drink and watching porn, dear, not sure shame comes into it.

Maybe the real 'shame' is how gay men are taught to think of themselves as victims.

Sunday, 7 February 2016

Dear Mariella: Something To Not Tell You

The dilemma I am a 17-year-old gay man who doesn’t have the courage to live how I want. Being gay has easily been the most daunting thing of my life. I found out roughly when I was 14, and for the past three years it has been ruining me. At first I despised myself and I ended up in counselling, which lead to a face-to-face confrontation with my mum, telling her I would rather not be living. I slowly came to terms with it thanks to the wonderful friends I had the courage to tell. If it wasn’t for them I would have lost it. However the thought of telling my family makes me numb. The worry has ruined me for the past three years, to the point where my GCSE results were below expected.

The Observer.

Mariella replies: Oh for god's sake, man up!

Fagburn: When Will My Agony End?

Don't think I can bring myself to do today's papers, think I'll just jack off to Czech porn read an improving book about Maoism's relevance today.

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Mark Gatiss: Kiss

The charming Mark Gatiss is in The Guardian!

We also heard about Mr Wheeldon's 'husband' in the article below - can we stop using this emetic term, pls?

PS Pretty slim pickings in the papers today, think I'll go to the beach. x

Gays In The News: Christopher Wheeldon

Watching Christopher Wheeldon in rehearsal is most entertaining. I’ve seen countless choreographers create a ballet in the studio but none so determined to dance it himself. Time and again the lithe Englishman demonstrates what he wants, and so expansive and articulate are his moves that it’s almost as if he has been transported back to the stage.

Wheeldon doesn’t perform any more. He’s way too busy and successful as a choreographer and besides, at 42, he would be facing retirement if he were still donning the white tights. Yet it’s obvious that a love of the academic language is still firmly rooted in his body, which is why he’s so good at making ballets that feel contemporary and classical at the same time.

He was a reasonably good dancer in his day, first at the Royal Ballet where he began his career in 1991 and then at New York City Ballet, which he joined in 1993. But he grew up to become a sensationally good choreographer and one of the very few artists in the world who can be trusted to make ballet relevant and entertaining in the 21st century.

Not only is he king of Covent Garden, having given the Royal a string of critical and box-office hits over the years, he is also, thanks to the musical An American in Paris (which he directed and choreographed), the toast of Broadway. And when An American in Paris comes to London next year, if all goes according to plan, he could add the West End to his hit parade too... 

The Times.

Nope, I'd never heard of him before either.

Still, good to see a gay bloke doing well in the notoriously heterosexual and homophobic world of ballet.

Blind Date: Definitely Maybe

Since October, 8 of the 22 Guardian's blind dates featured have been gayers - which seems a bit excessive.

PS Hope you don't need telling about The Guyliner's hilarious reviews of these.

Friday, 5 February 2016

Science Fiction: Astounding

When I was a kid, my stepfather amassed an amazing collection of science fiction magazines. He had so many that he had his room lined in bookcases to hold them all. The covers seemed to be sending me messages, hot gay messages. Most of these covers were in my stepfather's collection. Might as well start with the ne plus ultra of crypto-homo covers. Could have been one of my father's Physique Pictorials. But that's another story...

A nice selection of covers on The Advocate website.

Vogue: Strike A Pose

I met David in California. We’d lived there together for two years before moving to England. He’d started the painting of Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy [seen in the background, above] in their house in Santa Monica, and had shipped it over to finish in London.

This candid moment between David and [the model] Maudie James was shot in David’s London studio. David was pretending to paint.

I don’t think I was meant to be in the picture at all – I just happened to be there. We weren’t directed or asked to wear any fashionable clothes. Cecil Beaton focused on Maudie – we were just there in the background.

It was a very exciting time for me: I had just arrived in London and was 20 years old. I had never met Cecil before. He was formidable: very witty but also quite terrifying. He was snooty and snobbish and I was just this little kid. Sometimes he was quite dismissive. But later we became good friends.

The Telegraph celebrates 100 years of Vogue with this Cecil Beaton photograph of David Hockney, in front of his portrait of Don Bachardy and Christopher Isherwood.

Words by his then boyfriend, Peter Schlesinger (seated, obvs).

National Portrait Gallery: Vogue A Century Of Style.

Independent Voices: History Lesson

Nazis! Stonewall! Pride! Section 28! Some token trans person you've never heard of!

Well, the scales just fell from my eyes!

Yes, it could only be the Independent Voices school magazine!

Cakegate: Eat It!

The McArthurs’ appeal, which started two days ago, was adjourned when the Northern Ireland attorney-general unexpectedly introduced a new argument. This was that these regulations banning discrimination may themselves discriminate against people such as the McArthurs on the grounds of their religious beliefs or political opinions. That was more or less the point made by the clearly bonkers Tatchell. Although he had originally supported Lee’s case, he said, he had changed his mind.

For now he had grasped the crucial issue. The McArthurs weren’t objecting to baking for a gay person — the bakery, they said, had many gay customers and at least one gay member of staff — but to baking a cake whose slogan ran smack up against their religious beliefs...

The Times.

Even a stopped mentalist clock...

John Inman: Sake

The actor John Inman is the latest target of the increasingly insane Celebrity Nonce Squad. Far be it from me to point out that Inman died in 2007 and, just like Jimmy Savile, remains dead.

Since when has the lack of a live suspect ever stopped them? Having failed to arrest Savile while he was still breathing, the Old Bill have been trying desperately to pin bogus charges of 'historic' sex abuse on everyone from disc jockey Paul Gambaccini to the former Prime Minister Edward Heath, who is also dead.

This deranged witch-hunt has ruined the lives of countless innocent individuals and turned the basic principle of British justice on its head.

All those accused are presumed guilty unless they can prove themselves innocent. In the case of war hero Lord Bramall, absurdly accused of being a member of a VIP paedophile ring, investigating officers took a full ten months before contacting key witnesses who could testify that the allegations against him were nonsense...

Richard Littlejohn in the Mail.

Even a stopped clock...

PS The source of this story is the fiction factory and paedo obsessed, Sunday People.

Beknighted Gayers: The Horror! The Horror!

What fresh hell is this??!!

Evan Davis Watch: Barking

It's 'Davis', dear.

Straight People: Oh Boo Hoo Hoo

Ah, poor little Sophie!

Yes, it can only be the posh victim wannabes playground that is Independent Voices.

Hanky: Code

Almost every week a new gay dating app joins the market. Competing against the likes of Grindr and Scruff most will likely fall into the abyss, never to be heard of again. But one recently sparked my interest: Hanky.

Hanky, launched a couple of weeks ago, will aim to “avoid the perils of online dating such as ‘catfishing’, ‘creeps’ and ‘time wasters’” by making it so that users can only join if invited by another user or voted in by three others. The site boasts that that “at least eight out of 10 prospects do not get in”, making it a pretty exclusive club. But co-founder Jonas Cornfield doesn’t care. As he said:

We will probably never have five million members like some of these other apps because so many get turned away. But we’ll choose quality over quantity any day … our users are nicer and more sexy.

My translation: no fats, no femmes, no twinks, no Asians...

Guardian online.

It sounds ghastly, but not sure how you reached that 'translation', or conclusion.

'We iz our own worst enemies!!' is such guilt-tripping bourgeois crap.

United Nations: Stamps

The United Nations Postal Administration (UNPA) today unveiled a set of six commemorative stamps to promote UN Free & Equal – a global UN campaign for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) equality launched and led by the Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights (OHCHR). 

The new stamps, which celebrate the diversity of the LGBT community, mark the first time the United Nations has issued stamps with this theme. The set, which features two in English, two in French, and two in German, will be available as of tomorrow at UN Headquarters in New York, Geneva and Vienna. They can also be purchased online.

In an interview, the artist who designed them said he was very influenced by art from the first quarter of the 20th Century. Sergio Baradat, who is of Cuban background, explained that his style stems from his appreciation for French Art Deco and growing up in Miami...

United Nations News Centre. 

Take that global homophobia!

Thursday, 4 February 2016

Shakespeare: Absolutely

Theatre expert Gregory Doran and his actor partner Sir Antony Sher are convinced England’s greatest playwright was homosexual. The pair insist 128 of his 154 sonnets were addressed to men.

Gregory, artistic director of the Royal Shakespeare Company, claims Solanio and Salerio in The Merchant Of Venice “are a gay couple”. While the two Antonios in Twelfth Night and The Merchant Of Venice were “absolutely gay”.

He told Winq magazine: “I get infuriated in the 21st Century when those two characters are not
”played as gay men. It feels to me to be as outrageous as a white actor playing Othello” .
Gregory says the sexes were changed in some editions of his sonnets because “they couldn’t afford for the national icon to be gay”. He added: “It is homophobia.
Daily Star.


Lord Bramall: Remembrance

Daily Mail.

[Comment deleted by legal team].

Hillary Clinton: Who Knew?

As a British black gay man, February is always a proud time for me. Not only is it LGBT History Month in the UK, but also Black History Month in the USA...

Blah blah blah I've just discovered she's just discovered gay rights...
The ever patronising guiltfest that is Independent Voices.

Princess Di: An Amusing Fiction

It’s 1988 and queer London is partying hard under the spectre of AIDS, the scrutiny of the press and the shadow of Clause 28.

When Princess Diana dreams of a wild night out away from the long lenses of the paparazzi and the ruthless Royals at the Palace, best buddies Freddie Mercury and Kenny Everett know there’s only one place to take her: the Royal Vauxhall Tavern.

But getting one of the world’s most famous faces through the front door (and without blowing her cover) is the premise of brand new musical Royal Vauxhall, opening at the infamous venue later this month. We had a chat with one of the show’s leading men, Reuben Kaye, who steps into the shoes of Freddie Mercury, David Bowie and London drag icon Regina Fong…


Seeing as Cleo Rocos forgot to include this anecdote in her 1998 book, Forever Bananas: Kenny Everett and me, but suddenly remembered it when pushing a new edition, Kenny & Me, in 2013, I think it's fair to assume it never really happened.

Daily Mail: Whom?

Daily Mail.

I dunno - maybe Prince Harry or Hitler?


Cakegate: Yup

The Independent.

Love it that these pieces cite Saint Peter Tatchell's damascene conversion, without pointing out what a reactionary postion he took before.

Huffpost: Queer!

Cause 'queer' is what silly middle class gay men say when they're pretending to be like so wadical?

Matt: Another Baffling Cartoon


Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Love: & Chemsex


Actually doesn't mention chemsex but CHEMSEX!!! is sure great clickbait.

Lewis Hamilton: Gets Sweaty In The Ring

No comment.

Weegee: A Night At The Opera

Arthur Fellig, known as Weegee for his uncanny ability to beat the police to a crime scene, took this picture on the opening night at New York's Metropolitan Opera. The encounter between the society women and the snarling drunk on the right feels like a stroke of luck. In fact, Weegee's assistant had picked up one of the regulars at a local bar, plied her with cheap wine and, on Weegee's signal, sent her lurching into the frame.

Daily Telegraph: Viewfinder: the most inspiring and surprising images you'll see this week

So they're not drag queens, then?

Something that Weegee was noted for...

Gender: Hey Young People!

Reports suggest millennials are questioning whether gender should be limited to the categories of male and female. Share your thoughts and experiences on this.

The Guardian online.

Oh, do fuck off.

PS It's actually 'sex'. 'Gender' is a Victorian euphemism taken from your actual French nouns.

Gareth Bale: Yummy

That picture of Saint Peter was annoying me, so here's a picture of my new boyfriend, Gareth Bale.

He will be coming out in a moving YouTube video tomorrow. #sobrave

Cakegate: Why Indeed?

Dear sir,

I am writing in response to Saint Peter Tatchell's change of mind about some gay cakes.


Having a bakers saying they can't be arsed to put some silly message about gay marriage on a cake is clearly the most important thing in the world.

This is how Hitler started.


Mr Nooky Bumcheese.

It's not 'censorship' when you can get your stupid cake made round the corner.

Fat-Shaming: Now Officially A Thing

Men who identify as gay or bisexual have been shown to ‘fat shame’ one another in a higher rates than the straight community, a new survey has found.

Published by the journal Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, ‘Fat Chance! Experiences and Expectations of Anti-fat Bias in the Gay Male Community’ and is cited as the only study of its kind to measure “weight based prejudice among gay men” empirically.


Yeah, that's a thing... 'fat-shaming'.

'It's official' - no, it's not, this is just junk science about junk food.


Still, good to see the gay press covering this important issue...

Ricky Martin: Having A Wank On A Beach

From her Instagram.

Matthew Parris: Tintin & Me

Shockwaves ran through continental Europe. The Belgian press were in uproar. Nannies in English stately homes wept openly. Everyone can remember where they were on that morning seven years ago when I outed Tintin in The Times.

Once aired, the theory was obvious, irrefutable. It stared us in the face. An androgynous youth with an extravagant quiff, formerly of the boy scouts, moves in to the country house of a retired middle-aged sailor — his best friends two chaps in matching “his’”and “his” outfits and his only known female friends an opera diva and a curler-wearing virago. Hello? as they say. Tintin’s mincing white toy dog turns out to be almost the only heterosexual male among the leading characters of Tintin’s creator Hergé.

And Tintin’s love-interest? A Chinese boy called Chang Chong-Chen, of a mystical frame of mind, who he rescues from drowning, who appears in his dreams, and who (near the end of Hergé’s writing career) Tintin risks his life to rescue in Tibet. Believing Chang dead, Tintin weeps: only three times in his life is he seen to cry.

Hergé wrote Tintin in Tibet after a nervous breakdown, and separating from his wife. As a young man Hergé had had an intense friendship with a young Chinese student, whom this most reserved Belgian described as a kind of soulmate.

This last fact I had not known, but learnt last Thursday at the Tintin exhibition just ended at Somerset House in London. For Tintinologists the exhibition was full of interest, but I have to report that the truth about our young hero’s life was completely suppressed. Not a hint. Not even an acknowledgment of rumour. Has my whole career in journalism, my seven years as a trustee of Index on Censorship, all been in vain? 

Maffew Parrish in ver Times. 

Maybe best to keep your wank fantasies to yourself, Matthew.

CBB: Non-Entity Half Comes Out

Presuming this is the same definition of bisexual as used by Tom Daley when he came out; ie 'I'm actually a screaming gaylord.'


But had The Sun's gay showbiz editor Dan Wootton been goading Shelley into coming out?

PS And a record-breakingly ridiculous piece on Pink News.

Her saying she doesn't want to be labelled, when she clearly can't just say she's gay, is such a 70s throwback.

Matthew Kelly: Poor Sod

It is more than a decade since Matthew Kelly has given an interview to a national newspaper. “For very obvious reasons,” he says with a grim chuckle as he pours himself a cup of tea in a West End hotel. Kelly, a grizzled but still charismatically avuncular 65, would rather not talk at length about those obvious reasons: his arrest in his dressing room in January 2003 after unfounded allegations of child abuse in the 1970s. The charges were dropped six weeks later. “I can’t,” he says, “I just can’t. It’s too upsetting.”

He knows that if you google him, the first things you read about are not the three dozen or so plays he’s been in over the past 12 years. You don’t read about the extraordinary transformation from being Mr Dafty Trousers hosting primetime Saturday night telly to becoming a stage actor of note. You don’t read about the Open University degree in psychology he spent six years getting in the 1990s while he was also making You Bet! and Stars in Their Eyes.

Instead you read about the lowest point of his life. “That stuff,” as he calls it — which also involved child protection officers raiding his holiday home in Sri Lanka. No evidence was found against him, although he did receive a formal caution after some cocaine was discovered at his home in Chiswick, west London... 

The Times.

Tuesday, 2 February 2016

Russell Tovey: Sheer Heart Attack

Whilst this is an amusing story, there is nothing in the original account to suggest the man had a heart attack cause the adorable Russell got nekkid.

Although, I probably would have after having a quick winky-wank.